You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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