Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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