hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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