new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
