Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
how does that bad decision feel?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
