My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
