I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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