Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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