it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
