her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
