If i could tip my vagina, i would.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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