Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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