If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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