everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
