Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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