I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
