I'm drive I can fine osifer
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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