Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
