life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
