Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
