Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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