Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
That's how pantless uber rides happen
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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