Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
