does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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