wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
