I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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