last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
