Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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