I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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