A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Just cropdusted the office
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
