im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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