You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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