Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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