you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
