Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
People in love make me want to vomit
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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