my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
