i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
