True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
