i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
