does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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