dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
