I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
