oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
