my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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