nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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