it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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