I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
