Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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