My nipple is on Facebook.
I need help removing her.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
