I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
