Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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