Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Randomize
