Farmville is her only friend.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
