Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize