Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
