I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
