I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
