Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize