My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
one two three fourrrrnication!
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
