I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
