I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
