Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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