the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
