i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
my being single is dangerous.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I need to align my fucking chakras
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
