Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
