Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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