Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
