So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
