My first STD was from a foam party
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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