I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
