My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize
