I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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