Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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