Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
