ADVERTISEMENT

• (617): View more from Massachusetts

  he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.

  Fav 6 1192 4031

  share tweet
  

• (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.

  Fav 19 9886 1678

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (254): View more from Texas

  I'M GETTING MARRIED!

  (512): View more from Texas

  YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!

  Fav 38 4803 2639

  share tweet
  

• (309): View more from Illinois

  Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.

  Fav 19 5708 1352

  share tweet
  

• (206): View more from Washington

  it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"

  Fav 8 3499 1425

  share tweet
  

• (435): View more from Utah

  He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.

  Fav 7 2803 1240

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (702): View more from Nevada

  Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride

  Fav 9 4240 1736

  share tweet
  

• (416): View more from Toronto

  He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him

  Fav 12 2726 1217

  share tweet
  

• (919): View more from North Carolina

  I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.

  Fav 3 1049 1620

  share tweet
  

• (917): View more from New York City

  She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone

  Fav 6 1378 696

  share tweet
  

• (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  I woke up naked with my work shoes on

  Fav 1 411 301

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (716): View more from New York

  after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.

  Fav 0 185 303

  share tweet
  

• (720): View more from Colorado

  Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.

  Fav 0 117 97

  share tweet
  

• (856): View more from New Jersey

  We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??

  Fav 0 45 8

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (203): View more from Connecticut

  I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.

  Fav 0 72 15

  share tweet
  

Randomize