I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
