I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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