plz talk dirty to me
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I believe in your delicious
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
